Queen of Failures

Yesterday, I mistaken the day as Saturday, eager for a Sunday off, but then realized it's not.. suddenly so blaséd !

So, my social sense scrolling on my Line contacts, poked Jessica and Venny, well ... this two women are the MORE hard working and busier than me...so.. mari diganggu hahaha..


Took some minutes for them to reply but ... hey! They have the same blasé factor! Yay!

With Venny, we even planned to rent a sport car for my next visit to Bali, I'll drive and she will stand wearing shawl (biar berkibar-kibar gituh) hihihihi... crazy and not so important thing to do but...that's the point: when you bored you do something fun !

With Jessie, she asked me to update her. So I said that I have a new goal (if I can say it as a goal) to find at least a plus one for an upcoming bestie's wedding (don't be surprised, women sometimes will think of things that men doesn't really think it's important...but for us... the dress and the good plus-one for a party are important ! Ada yang mau melamar? haha)

J replied: Yaolohhhhh... everyone is your bestie! 

me: haha... not everyone! Just some selected bunch! ;)

J: Few hundreds selected bunch? hehehe

me: hahaha... Yah... kalo out of one billion kan hundreds don't count much :P

J: LoL

So, the first thing yang dibahas dia justru, too many besties will troubled you to too many private party (kalo terjemahan yang selama ini saya alami, private party: the party for only close friends and family and that lead to the only one I know in the party is the bride/groom only, and that means I need to smile more and be friendly to everyone and will grab some new friend list home haha) . Except for Jess wedding where I knew all the family members, jeeezzz she is the longest friend I have what you expect :p

So, after the topic passed... we moved talking about : okay let's make it a goal to find me a partner hopefully, or just a fun plus one for the party at least. (a plus one -my term- is a friend that fun to hang out with, and willingly giving you company though 'bukan pacar') 

But then, it turn out that she grumbling about why I live in Caruban, the very small town that she said she'll kill herself if she live here haha. SO... the conversation end up not-so-productive, we don't have any conclusion, and choose to talk about other topic.

What's left in my mind is: 

It sounds so wrong to me to make "finding a partner" a goal, don't you think? 

Well, finding a plus-one sounds better, since you don't have to have a commitment and all those forever term condition. But finding a partner will have no due date, it will come in the perfect time. 

"Jodoh ada di tangan Tuhan" thats what people said, and I'm totally agree, though some people will continue the phrase by saying: "kalo gak diambil ya tetap di tangan Tuhan" haha

oh.. well... I'm conservatives and I chose to be so (though my nature is so opposite to that, easy to say trying hard to do though hahaha) Bagaimana tidak? people who know me will agree with this principle of mine that is SO opposite to my-so-independent-active-nature. 

I'll be the one to talk to strangers first (selected look kind only strangers yah) 

I'll be the one who offer to help a couple taking picture in Universal Studios. 

And I'll be the one who smile first to the neighbor every time I pass in front of them. 

Yeah, frankly said.... I'm quite a control freak I suppose, I like to "manipulate" the situation to meet my agenda and maybe because I'm getting used to managing people (my employee, my students) so I'm so "tukang atur" to the core, (kalo bahasa jawanya: kemeruh, kemethak, kemlinthi) haha.

But, for this part of life: "Jodoh", I choose to surrender. Yeah that's the best word to explain the situation.

You know why? because every time I'm so sure about my life, thats the very time I need to be more careful, because that's the time I used to slipped haha. 

I was so sure I'll marry the youngest professor of Sydney Uni, until God made me see that I'm not.

I was so sure I'll succeed as a young-successful-metropolitan career woman, till God pushed me to my edge, became jobless for quite sometime then teaching in a playgroup where the pay is not enough for paying your monthly gas expenses, but those season is exactly the perfect situation where I can learn more of the meaning of life than just being concern of successful-self.

"You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. You don't have to always be 'in charge.' The Bible says, 'Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him,' Psalm 37:7a (GWT). Instead of trying harder, you trust more. You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself. Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You don’t edge others out, you don’t demand your rights, and you aren’t self-serving when you’re surrendered." (Purpose driven life - Rick Warren)


*For you who never read this book, you should start move your butt to the nearest book store and grab one.


Let go and let God work.

Thats the perfect word of advice for a control-freak like me.

God urged the need to push me to the condition I don't really like in the beginning, in purpose to shape me to be more humble and trust more of God.

And I can say it now, I'M VERY GLAD HE DID IT!

Otherwise, I'll turn out to be one very cocky person, whose so proud and sure of herself that she can do anything and she doesn't need other people, euwwww I don't like the sound of it. But, it's true!


I was failed several times in row, so .....you start, failed, stand up again, failed, failed, and failed again and again, the desperation and the shame that time was over my head. I locked my self in my room and was too shameful to face the families. (sssttt even that time the devil whispered to end it shortly to suicide! Glad my God is bigger than that little ugly creature :p)
So if you know me as "orang yang gak tau malu" thats one of the result haha.
Once you're in a position below zero of shameful, you'll have no more stock of it! *oops* #lebay yah hahaha... intinya karena udah ngerasain malu yang terlalu maluuuuuu... jadi kalo sekarang jadi orang yang udah gak pake acara malu-malu thats normal kan? hihihi...
This face already ripped off changed with a "besi-baja" face haha.


Apparently, being a Queen of Failures preserved me from being a Queen of Jerk.

Thank God for that!

If God didn't let all those years-of-failures of mine to be the introduction of my working life, I think... I'll be the queen of jerk haha.


So, if you are in the position of "queen of failures" season, keep it up, surrender to God, try again, stand up again. You may still have some share of failing and falling, but hey.... being success isn't the main purpose anyway... God planned us for bigger things than just a success.


Jia You!!!!